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Ask Baninja! Archive:
May 2009

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"So let's say there's a totally hot guy in my class. And let's say (this is all totally hypothetical) that I kind of have a crush on him. But he totally doesn't seem to know I even exist.

What should I do in a situation like that? What would you do?"

    ~ Katie, May 15, 2009

Konnichi wa!

I was prepared to advise you to douse this human in ice water -- until Sudoku advised me that "hot" is a human idiom meaning "attractive." I then began to wonder why you were crushing this target of your affection.... At last, Sudoku went over this question with me to prevent any more "hypothetical" misunderstandings.

I have spent some time observing Master Fuji and Granny Smith, and came to the conclusion that matters of love are much like matters of war -- that is why they are called the "marital arts," after all. So the solution to your hypothetical predicament is quite simple: Approach this potential paramour as you would an enemy!

The art of love could fill an entire volume (indeed, Sun Tzu once wrote it as a companion to The Art of War), but I can give you a few suggestions.

1. Approach your target from a position of strength.You cannot conquer an enemy with an undisciplined, spiritless army. So first, ensure that your own affairs are in order and that you are unhindered by internal squabbling. That way you will be secure, confident, and prepared rather than being a stuttering, fidgeting fool.

2. Know your enemy. Gain some knowledge of his habits and temperament in order to turn them to your advantage. He may have a particular enthusiasm for football, or a disdain for contemporary pop music clichés. You can exploit these weaknesses in order to establish a foothold in his home territory. Or, you can use these as baits to entice your target into coming to you.

3. Break your target's resisitance without fighting. In war, it is better to take a country intact rather than destroy it. This is even more true in matters of love. If you overwhelm your target through brute force, he will resent you for it and a rebellion is likely. However, if you gain victory through strong tactics and clever maneuvering, and thwart all of his plans to resist you, then your target will succumb peaceably and you can easily assimilate his army into yours.

4. Avoid a prolonged seige. If your target takes refuge behind an impenetrable wall, do not beseige him for months in the hope that he will be forced to relent. A seige is taxing on your resources as well as his; if victory does come, it will only be because one of you has buckled under sheer exhaustion -- and that is not an honorable victory. Your best course of action is to pack up your army and conquer some other land. There is a whole world out there.

All of this comes straight from The Art of War. For further advice, I suggest that you read it as well. Hypothetically.

You go, Katie!
    ~ Baninja


Where can one buy a katana that's small enough to be wielded by a banana?  I have express interest in searching one out, for reasons which shall remain undisclosed at this time."

    ~ Erika Xweetara, May 17, 2009

Greetings, Erika.

Unfortunately, you would be unable to find a blade such as mine. It is specially made and one of a kind, composed of a unique phlebotinum alloy and reinforced by the existential meditations of a certain secretive sect of Taro monks.

However, after an extensive search through the known internet, I believe I have found the diminutive weapon of legend that you seek. You can read about it here, but best of luck getting it away from its owner.

By the way, my name is:
    ~ Baninja

"Are you gay?"

    ~ meow, May 18, 2009

Hajimemashite, uh... meow.

The answer depends entirely upon your definition of "gay."

If you are questioning my... preferences... then no. Despite my phallic appearance, I am not gay.

If you intend to ask whether I think myself to be merry, then... also no. Can you imagine being killed in your sleep by a carefree, happy-go-lucky banana? Of course not. That would just be gay.

Your friend (and if you are a male, then nothing more!),
    ~ Baninja

"*strokes chin* Does Sudoku go to school? If so, what do his classmates think of him?"

    ~ Jimmy, May 22, 2009

Ohayou gozaimasu, Jimmy.

Umm... why are you stroking my chin? As I told the last person, the fact that I am a fruit does not automatically mean that I am gay!

Keep in mind that you never know how one might respond to uninvited physical contact. You are fortunate that I did not assume that you were preparing to eat me, or you might have lost your hand -- if not more. It is generally a bad idea to go around stroking random bananas.

To answer your question, Sudoku is currently training in ninjutsu under Master Fuji's tutelage. As one of his "classmates," I would say that he is a good kid who is eager to learn. His high-tech superweapons can be quite useful, but it seems that his greatest skill is causing laboratory accidents. Accidents which severely injure the rest of us while leaving him implausibly unharmed.

And then there was that time when he fried me to a crisp with his blaster ray and turned Master Fuji into a pie.

Come to think of it, sometimes that kid really annoys us.

Take care,
    ~ Baninja