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Ask Baninja! Archive:
January 2010

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"Do fruit celebrate holidays?"

    ~ Jason, January 12, 2010

Ohayou gozaimasu, Jai-san.

It is an unfortunate fact that most human holidays are cause for misery and grief amongst sentient foodstuffs. Though these holidays pretend at advocating joy and good will, the grim truth is that the main focus of these celebrations is to encourage eating more food! Humans stuff themselves fat on us -- more so than usual -- simply because they find it enjoyable. It brings them closer together -- while it literally tears us apart!

Candies across the nation fear the coming of Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, and the dreaded Halloween. Countless innocent foodstuffs are incinerated over hot coals on Independence Day, Memorial Day -- pretty much any day of the year that involves a long weekend will be spent feasting on us.

But of all the brutal human festivities, only one bears a name which no sentient food will dare to utter aloud. But since I am writing the curse probably doesn't count... so... Thanksgiving THERE I SAID IT. The most vile, heartless holiday of them all, a celebration of gluttony and genocide! (Seriously, genocide, and not just against foodstuffs. Read your history.) Sure, you give thanks to God and family for the food you so dishonorably gorge upon -- but do you ever thank the foods themselves for their sacrifice? Do you show your gratitude to the pumpkin, or to the chef who brought its mutilated, desecrated remains to your table in a flaky golden coffin? Exactly. At least the native people knew how to show proper respect to those who gave their lives to sustain them!

On the other hand, some human traditions are not so bad. For example, the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur: an entire day dedicated to spiritual refinement through fasting and prayer. That's right. While the rest of your "civilized" society gets fat on us, they choose to resist such indulgences and feel all the better for it!

You may be wondering how we celebrate holidays such as these, when fewer people are out to eat us. Well, most of us are not privileged enough to live in regions where such cultures dominate. Nothing really changes for us. Every day is the same desperate struggle. And for those who are so lucky as to have a carefree day on Yom Kippur -- they spend their "holiday" grieving for all those lost the day before, when a great feast is eaten to prepare for the fast. So really, for us it's a celebration of bitter irony and death in its most hideous form.

You people make me sick.
    ~ Baninja

"Know a good place for a potato to take root?"

    ~ Spud, January 17, 2010

Good day, Spud!

Our clan has done "business" with a wild-eyed old fellow by the name of Papa Yukon, who commands a spacious field in the West of Canada. He and his family prefer cool temperatures and slightly acidic soil with good drainage.

Aside from these considerations, location is key in making any real estate decision. Although Yukon and his extended family have found an excellent secluded hillside to call home, beware of settling in to any place where many potatoes have gathered together. More often than not, such places are potato farms where humans care for thousands of unsuspecting plants and feed and water them well -- only to rip their fattened tubers from the earth and devour them! So if you find a place where potatoes have "decided" to take root in strangely uniform rows, run far and run fast! The threshers pity no one.

Wherever you decide to settle down, be mindful of the many other natural predators that plague vegetable kind. Once you establish your roots you are immobile and mostly defenseless, so take care to produce a healthy supply of solanine and other glycoalkaloids to leave a bitter, deadly taste in their mouths should they decide to try to eat you.

I bid you well in your search!
    ~ Baninja

"How many bananas have you got it on with? Wait... are bananas guys and apples girls or something?

Thanks :)
I love you Baninja!"

    ~ Nicole Potter, January 20, 2010

Konban wa, Potter-kun

Umm... get what on with, exactly? Get it on, as in, to engage in combat? I suppose it does not matter, for I have yet to meet another sapient banana in my travels. But I continue to search in hope! I have heard rumors of a wandering bunch of banana troublemakers -- that is, "troublemakers" in human terms. But since these are only rumors, they may only be exaggerated accounts of my own conflicts with humans, or some other fabrication. However, if such a bunch does indeed exist, my pulpy heart would be overjoyed to meet them.

As for your second question, the species of a sentient vegetable has no connection with its gender. Master Fuji -- the old rotten coot -- is male, and somewhat less than comfortably but very happily married to Granny Smith -- the sour old witch -- who is female. And, though of different variety, both are apples.

Oh crap! I think they overheard me. I really need to stop speaking aloud as I write in this tiny hideout....

gotta go
    ~ Baninja

"Do you know of any gypsy bands I could sell my little brother to?"

    ~ Rose, January 21, 2010

Hello, Rose.

You know... it is strange. Ninjas throughout history have had dealings and confrontations with people from many societal niches: pirates, samurai, Vikings, zombies, Spartans, luchadores, clowns, cyborgs, mechanics, elemental spirits, chainsaw maniacs, Nazis, wizards, mutants, mad scientists, policemen, firefighters, aliens, geeks, psychics, mobsters, super-spies, mummies, clones, bureaucrats, sasquatch, knights, vampires, shaolin, Easter bunnies, terrorists, alchemists, shapeshifters, barbarians, mimes, ghosts, nekos, mercenaries, steampunk airship pilots, kaiju, super-soldiers, Popes, hockey players, Greek gods, bikers, superheroes, thieves, bandits, druids, Jedi, werewolves, lumberjacks, witch doctors, swamis, pygmies, Old Ones, sumos, opera singers, faeries, capoeiristas, pink elephants, angels, demons, angel-demon hybrids, dragons, dinosaurs, cavemen, cowboys, Indians, Scientologists, Flying Spaghetti Monsters, sentient computer programs, disgruntled postal workers, chefs, and Chuck Norris.

(That last one didn't end as badly for us ninjas as people like to think. Chuck Norris has gonads as all human males do, and their tempered steel composition ensured that they smashed right through his pelvis upon kicking. Just to set the record straight.)

And yet, in our long and diverse history, we have had the highly improbable fortune of never encountering gypsies in the course of our various exploits. Not one! It boggles the mind to think of it, but alas, I am afraid I will be of little service to you in this matter.

My deepest apologies,
    ~ Baninja