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Ask Baninja! Archive:
February-March 2010

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"Are there sentient foods other than fruits and vegetables?"

    ~ Ben, February 2, 2010

Excellent question, Ben!

There are certainly other sentient foods of a wide variety of... varieties. I am personally acquainted with some, and my clan has had dealings with even more.

It may interest you to know that foods are not the only ill-recognized sentient beings amongst us!

There are many animals which are more intelligent than you think, such as my faithful insect friend Grasshopper and my nemesis Calamari. And there are even some things which humans think to be completely inanimate, which lead secret lives of their own.

There are many things in the world around you that are truly more than they seem. Tread cautiously, and treat everything around you with the same respect that you would treat a fellow human.

Say hello to Frank for me.
    ~ Baninja

"What style is your Ninjitsu?
How long ago did you start?
How many hours a day do you practice?

OOPS!  That's three (3) questions?  But they are all related to the same question."

    ~ Stephen K., February 7, 2010

Konban wa, Stephen.

I am a practitioner of a specialized art known as Bananjutsu, which incorporates the ninjutsu tactics taught to me by Master Fuji with unique elements that only a banana can perform. I am also proficient with the katanana, a blade crafted from my very own stem and fashioned by the Taro monks.

I began my training soon after I became aware of my own existence. At that time, I was seeking meaning and purpose in my life. My travels brought me to many places, and everywhere I went humans were trying to eat me! I met Master Fuji by accident on a lonely road, and I have been training under his tutelage ever since.

There was never any sense of time in our isolated Clan Hideout until Sudoku built his computer, and so I do not know how long I have trained. It has surely been several years.

I used to train for many hours each day, until I earned the right to participate in the clan's missions. Now, every day presents an opportunity to hone my skills in the field, and so I have no strict schedule for practice.

Dewa mata.
    ~ Baninja


I know this is kinda a sensitive topic, but I was wondering if you know where bananas' arms and legs go when they are cut off."

    ~ Dee Y., February 9, 2010

Greetings, Dee.

I would think that the answer is obvious.

First they would fall on the ground due to the steady pull of Earth's gravity. And then they would decay over time, gradually eaten by bacteria. Aside from that, any number of forces and agents could translocate the remains.

In fact, I imagine that it would be the same process that would take place if your arms and legs were to be cut.

That was, perhaps, the strangest question I have yet been asked. And possibly the most indirectly threatening.

I am watching you....
    ~ Baninja

"What's the best game system?"

    ~ Sean, February 9, 2010

Konban wa, Sean-san.

The best game system I have experienced is that of Backgammon. The system is comprised of moves and attacks played on a special game board, according to the outcome of dice rolls.

This system allows for strategy, luck, intense action, and even subterfuge, for it is possible to sneak illegal moves past your enemy. Very few game systems I am aware of incorporate so many levels of play, and fewer still can be played time and again while still remaining entertaining.

Play on!
    ~ Baninja

"What's your favorie sport?"

    ~ Cassie P., March 4, 2010

Hello, Cassie.

Hmm... sports....

You know, it is hard for me to think of my Bananjutsu as a "sport," since it represents a daily matter of life and death. Especially... death.

Oh! Sometimes I will hide in a building with a slick floor -- like a cafeteria, or maybe a hospital -- and toss my peel into a human's path to see how many I can knock down in one afternoon. It is like the human pastime of "bowling," I suppose, which apparently qualifies as a "sport." I suppose.

I threw my sword in a human's eye like a javelin once. But that was another of those life-and-death matters....

Hmm... bowling. Definitely bowling.

    ~ Baninja

"dos sudoku hav a gf???"

    ~ Missy, March 23, 2010

Another one of these cryptic messages in this strange nether-language! And this one appears to be directed to Sudoku, the only one amongst us who can read it. I am beginning to suspect that he is coordinating some secret plan right under our noses, something so sinister and probably dangerous for us that he doesn't want any of us to interfere.

I believe an investigation is in order. I will get answers even if I must cut them out of his strange, strange little mind.

    ~ Baninja

"Do you know Mr. Peanut and Mr. Potatohead personally?"

    ~ Dave L. Marshall, March 27, 2010

Good morning, Dave.

I curse the name of Mr. Peanut! He is a traitor and a coward, using his celebrity status to promote the consumption of his fellow peanuts in exchange for his safety! If I had the privilege of meeting him in person, then I would cut him down and feed his innards to the crows!

It is no wonder that he never makes public appearances. No bodyguard could protect him against the army of enraged foodstuffs that would descend upon him to exact their vengeance in the most horrific way imaginable!

You would be wise, Mr. Peanut, to learn to use that cane in self-defense. Have you seen the California Raisins around lately? No? That was me.

As for Mr. Potato Head, I have seen him around once in a while but we have not spoken. He usually wears some sort of disguise and never moves or talks, so I suppose he must be involved in reconnaisance missions, and I do not wish to interfere with his work.

Good day,
    ~ Baninja