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Ask Baninja! Archive:
July-October 2010

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"What are your thoughts on cheese?"

    ~ membate, July 12, 2010

Konnichi wa!

Cheeses are as diverse as any other group of people, so I suppose it depends on who you are talking about. Some are sweet, some are foul; some are tough, some melt under pressure; some are mellow, some will punch you in the face.

    ~ Baninja

"What fruit is Seppuku?"

    ~ danny, July 23, 2010

Greetings, danny!

You know what? I really do not know what Seppuku might be, and I never thought to question it.

He is shaped somewhat like an eggplant, but he bleeds red. We have often joked that he must be a Swiss cheese, but he doesn't have a European accent.

No one alive has ever seen beneath his hood, so no one can really say. Indeed, it often seems as if he doesn't even know what he is.

There walks the most mysterious warrior I have ever met.

Thank you for writing in!
    ~ Baninja

"What are your arms and legs? Are they part of your peel, fallen off and turned black, or something more sinister...?"

    ~ Mr. E, August 10, 2010

Hajimemashite, Mr. E man.

My arms and legs are finely honed killing appendages, strengthened by the concentrated power of bananjutsu. First and foremost, they are instruments of stealthy death. This is the most important thing to remember.

Biologically speaking, my limbs are made of fibrous woody tissue such as you find in any plant's roots. As you can see here, they are capable of producing life-sustaining food as well as death-delivering strikes.

But mostly they are weapons.

Dewa mata,
    ~ Baninja

"You know how on TV, kids playing games and throwing stuff in the house always break a really expensive vase or lamp or something? Well, I did something like that, and I've hidden the pieces of one of my dad's favorite model boats, but he's noticed it missing. What should I do?"

    ~ Big Oops, August 18, 2010

Dear Big Oops,

My first word of advice would be for you to change your name.

In olden days, human tradesmen would take the name of their chosen profession: Carpenter, Smith, Miller, Shepherd, Fisher, Johnson.... Even in my own clan, all of us have names appropriate to our personalities. I am a banana and a ninja. Haiku is fond of poetry. Seppuku tends to injure himself. Sudoku puzzles me. As for you, a name like Big Oops guarantees you a lifetime of broken valuables and unfortunate misunderstandings.

As for your present predicament, your father has already noticed the boat's disappearance, so it is too late to surreptitiously replace it. If you have a pet dog, it is likely that it will find the hidden pieces and reveal the fate of the lost ship. If this happens, simply blame the dog.

If you have no dog or other suitable scapegoat, then your father probably already suspects you. After all, model boats do not usually disappear on their own. You can confess to your crime and plead for mercy, or you may consider changing your citizenship status along with your name. I would suggest John Nonboatbreaker of Ross Island, Antarctica.

Best of luck,
    ~ Baninja

"pcknol [LINK] - free credit score gxukx <a href=[LINK]>free credit score</a> , [LINK] - stretch marks xewxy <a href=[LINK]>stretch marks</a> , [LINK] - breast enhancement mfwla <a href=[LINK]>breast enhancement cream</a> , [LINK] - grow taller oodjg <a href=[LINK]>grow taller</a> , [LINK] - home security systems ryfxp <a href=[LINK]>home security system</a> , [LINK] - hair loss kgvzr <a href=[LINK]>hair loss</a> hwfadr eulbzm ziew"

    ~ matpurciptSap, September 9, 2010

I wanted you to know that I received your distress call. I saw that you had collapsed on your keyboard and used the last of your strength to contact me, and I acted as quickly as I could.

I followed your coded links and tracked down the villains who did this to you. You should have known better than to give away your credit information, invest in a booby-trapped home security system, or eat the breast enhancement cream. Had you been cautious, you would not have been robbed, beaten, scalped, racked, and poisoned nearly to death.

But do not fear. Sudoku is hard at work uncovering the names and addresses of these monsters, and soon you will be avenged. He believes that they are in league with the SpamBots, who are among of our most hated enemies. And I'm sure you know how we deal with SpamBots:

Baninja Hates Spambots

An invoice for the clan's services is enclosed. Please pay the full amount within ten days or your life is ours.

    ~ Baninja

"What is the Omni-Functional Kitchen Gadget?"

    ~ ethan, October 4, 2010

Konnichi wa, ethan.

The Omni-Functional Kitchen Gadget is a device that Sudoku invented to help me win the Feast Master cooking tournament. It is made from a sophisticated perplexi-polymer that can change into virtually any kitchen-related form.

Unfortunately the OFKG did not come with a manufacturer's warranty and it broke when Haiku tried to use it as a yoga mat.

Sayonara,
    ~ Baninja

"I live in Georgia and also have been functioning with regards to this valuable really good pipes service provider just for the very last 12-15 years. It has long been an important tremendous experience, and yet because of the present economic system hurting so much the following appears to be just like until We get started in getting a good deal more company afterward I am going to seem with hassle. And so what exactly I am going to carry out will be develop this short write-up on the subject of ways you can obtain a easily affordable professional that may will prime quality pipes work during your home, dwelling as well as workplace. The primary detail which often My partner and i often suggest is certainly searching in a variety of on the net internet directories to view who's advertising within your place since that will provide you with a fantastic notion regarding exactly who for you to commence bbb meant for insurance quotes. Once you receive with reference to 5 varied men and women that will call up then you definitely must start off undertaking several investigate attached to every single firm. You'll need to examine every one of the assessments on the service and even make confident that they're performing nicely pertaining to each associated with their unique consumers. As well you desire for making definitely sure they've the particular appropriate insurance for making certain who in the event that something states unsuitable which they might be capable in order to insure the software. The very last factor is definitely asking for samples attached to pleased consumers they've service order recently."

    ~ sanjoseplumbers, October 15, 2010

Once I asked a Taro monk what his thoughts were on the meaning of life. His answer sounded something like this, except with less talk of plumbing fixtures and more references to 1980's "pop" music.

Why do so many so-called "wise men" think that they can throw a dictionary into a blender, write down whatever flies out the top, and call it philosophy?

And worse, why do they presume that anyone else cares what they think, when their answers are utterly incomprehensible?

I mean really -- what is this? What importance does it have for me in my day-to-day life? And why did you bring this nonsense to my advice forum unless you, yourself, are insecure with the relevance of your philosophy. Unfortunately I cannot help you now since Kikyotushi is coming on in a few minutes.


    ~ Baninja

"I think that not everybody knows something about storage heaters. [LINK] Please read something about it. That is a really cheap electric heater.

You can heat a big house and your bill for electric will be low."

    ~ Daniela Menietto, October 17, 2010

Konban wa, Daniela.

I appreciate your concern, and I admit that my knowledge of electric heaters is somewhat limited. You see, because I and my friends are all fruit, we prefer to keep our clan hideout nice and chilly. Not quite refrigerator-cold -- refrigerators bring back bad memories for some of us -- but we certainly have no need for a heater.

Thank you anyway!
    ~ Baninja

"Please visit my site [LINK].

Regards."

    ~ Lawerence Seelye, October 13, 2010
    ~ Dana Vanvoorhees, October 16, 2010
    ~ Maximo Crapps, October 18, 2010
    ~ Wilmer Sturges, October 19, 2010
    ~ Yesenia Labruzzo, October 19, 2010
    ~ Ignacio Areas, October 20, 2010
    ~ Krystyna Reagan, October 20, 2010
    ~ Kimberley Webber, October 21, 2010
    ~ Todd Ryle, October 21, 2010

No.

 

Regards,
    ~ Baninja

"Hello. See my site -- gurgk!"

    ~ Louie Gloss, October 25, 2010
    ~ Pedro Grays, October 25, 2010
    ~ Tyisha Serl, October 26, 2010
    ~ Wilton Pinard, October 26, 2010

Now, does anyone else want a taste of my blade? Stop sending me these.


    ~ Baninja

"Please visit my Regards."

    ~ Tyler Ancic, October 30, 2010

What? This does not even make sense!


    ~ Baninja